When Your Cat Is Rude to Everyone & You Don't Know What to Do
One of social media’s biggest pitfalls is its natural tendency to highlight the best moments of our lives and ignore the hard times. Perhaps one of the most common manifestations of this can be seen in the countless adorable pet photos and videos posted across our social media accounts.
I'm totally guilty of this. After years of figuring out how to manage cat allergies and months of trying to find the right cat, my husband and I found our dream kitten — Mochi.
Mochi is a Platinum Point Tonkinese (a blend of Siamese and Burmese) cat with blue eyes, beautiful coloring, and an engaging personality. He loves to cuddle and create chaos and has an extremely affectionate (albeit mischievous) disposition.
Although he's always been a troublemaker, he's also been incredibly friendly. When he was a kitten, anyone could pick him up and hold him. For a while, we believed he was the perfect cat, despite his mischievous tendencies. And the pictures you’ll see of him sprinkled across my blog and social media might make you believe that, too.
What you may not know is that for the past few months, he's been rude to every single person we know, apart from us. And while I've tried to downplay it and laugh about it, I've actually lost a lot of sleep over it.
This behavioral progression was somewhat gradual, but for a while, we thought we were completely responsible for it. We traced the beginning of some of his behavioral changes to when we abandoned him at my parents' house for a long weekend. (You can hear him voicing his displeasure while being fed cat treats in the video below. We call him Cookie Monster.)
Since we'd frequently brought him with us before with no issues, we assumed it was our absence that caused him stress. A couple of months later, we brought him back around the holidays, which included attempting to gradually introduce him to our family’s other cats. We followed all the recommended protocols and kept them mostly separated, but it still didn’t go well.
A decent amount of money and a cat behaviorist appointment later (yes, you can hire a cat shrink, and we did), we realized that these visits may not have been our smartest move. Apparently, cats bond to their territories even more than they bond to their owners, and this may have been a traumatic experience for him. I mean, the picture says it all, right?
However, as we've continued to research and troubleshoot his behavioral issues (ChatGPT has surprisingly been quite helpful), we've realized that there are a variety of factors at play here. Mochi's no longer a kitten, and adult cats can become less friendly and more territorial, although this isn't always the case. Additionally, we recently moved, which is a big change for a cat.
Regardless of the reasons behind it, for the last few months, Mochi's been a real piece of work around guests. According to our behaviorist, he is “conflicted,” which means he loves attention but also isn't quite sure how he feels about having someone in his space. This means he'll enjoy being petted by someone and then hiss or swat at them, seemingly for no reason. While he hasn't hurt anyone, this type of behavior is disconcerting, and I've experienced a lot of guilt over it.
A few things I'm thinking about…
There Is No Perfect Pet
I grew up with some pretty awful pets that weren't fun to be around a large percentage of the time. Since then, I think that I've subconsciously been in search of a “perfect pet.” When we found Mochi, with all his cuteness and cuddlyness, I thought we'd found the one.
However, there is no perfect pet. All animals, although cats may be especially so, are unpredictable. Our family cat that I grew up with had a traumatic experience as a kitten and then spent nearly 10 years randomly scratching us for no apparent reason. But even though Mochi had a seemingly ideal upbringing, he's still exhibiting some negative traits.
My mom has always told me that most negative characteristics have a positive flipside. This applies to people, but also to pets.
Part of the reason Mochi is territorial is because he's so deeply bonded with us, a tendency of his breed. Also, there's a lot that he does right. He's litterbox trained, generally leaves our furniture and carpet alone, and is extremely smart and coachable. Perhaps most importantly, the allergies that we were so concerned about haven't caused us a problem at all. We have a lot to be grateful for.
Even our old family cat (who was pretty mean) had positive character traits. Although she was fickle and temperamental, she had a unique, dynamic personality, and as she grew older, she became more affectionate.
Maybe your pet destroys your furniture or pees on your floors, but is still sweet to you. Or maybe your pet isn't as cuddly as you'd like, but can handle being alone for longer periods. Perhaps instead of focusing on your pet's negative behaviors, try looking out for the positive ones.
That doesn't mean you shouldn't try to fix behaviors — we're doing everything we can to help Mochi be less territorial. But very few pets have zero faults or zero redeeming qualities. And this is coming from someone who grew up with a Pomeranian that was referred to by my cousin as “the Killer Rabbit” from Monte Python and the Holy Grail.
Comparison Is the Thief of Joy
In my post about feeling behind in life, I talked about one of my favorite quotes, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” I can speak from personal experience that this really is true, and it applies to pets too.
Social comparison theory is an idea that we compare ourselves to those around us in two ways: upward comparison (comparing yourself to someone who you perceive to be better off than you) and downward comparison (comparing yourself to someone who you perceive to be worse off than you). Temporarily, an upward comparison might make you feel better, and a downward comparison might make you feel worse. However, research ultimately shows that frequent social comparisons of any kind are linked with negative emotions and behaviors.
Don't compare your pet to anyone else's. Your glimpses into the lives of your friends and families won't give you a complete picture of what their pets are like. Particularly on social media, you'll see the cute, shareable moments rather than the behind-the-scenes, nightmarish ones. And believe me, everyone has both, even if it doesn't seem like it.
While you might envy one aspect of someone's pet, they might envy another of yours. And there will always be someone who is seemingly better or worse off than you are. If you hop on the comparison train, there is no end destination, and you'll never be satisfied.
There's a Lot in Life You Can't Control
I like to maintain control over my life. I don't like surprises or problems that I can't fix. And having a cat that is rude to people has been something that I can't control, and it's incredibly frustrating.
Animals are particularly exasperating when they operate outside of your control because they have distinct personalities, are often smart enough to be trained, but have no awareness of right and wrong.
However, while you can't control pets, you can't control people either. Eventually, we want kids, and I have a pretty good feeling that they might exhibit some of the same irritating behaviors as Mochi. Hopefully, our kids won't hiss at people, but I'm reasonably confident they'll throw tantrums, mess up my home decor, and go through a difficult teenage phase.
Even though Mochi's behavior has been difficult, I also see the good in it because I recognize that there's a lot in my life that I can't manage or predict. The day is probably coming when my cat being rude to my friends and family members will be the least of my problems. Maybe God is giving me some practice in releasing control over every detail of my life.
While we'll continue to work on helping Mochi be less rude to people, right now I’m trying to embrace letting go of what we can't change and being grateful to have a cat we love. So if you're struggling with a pet's behavioral issues, you are not alone. We — and Mochi — are right there with you.
