Money & Mules: How to Talk About Finances in Marriage (Without Killing the Vibe)

Does talking about money with your spouse often end in a fight? If so, you’ve got plenty of company. According to a recent study, one in three partnered Americans view money as a source of conflict in their relationship. 

That percentage includes me and my husband. Our financial views are pretty different, so much so that our mutual friends didn’t set us up but left us to meet through a dating app. We’re very happy now, but finances have always been our greatest point of tension. That said, we’re both problem-solvers, so we figured out a creative way to talk about money without killing the vibe (or each other) through our Money & Mules meetings.

In this post, I’ll explore how to talk about money in marriage. I’ll share some budgeting tips, how Money & Mules originated, the meeting format that works for us, and how working on our finances together has strengthened our relationship.

And if you’re still in the wedding planning stage, here’s how we planned ours on a budget — it might help you start off on the right foot together.

Disclaimer: I’m not a financial advisor or counselor. This post is based on my personal experiences and what’s worked in my own marriage. If you’re looking for professional financial or relational advice, I recommend speaking with a licensed expert.

Money in Marriage: Why Talking About It Is So Hard

Not everyone combines finances — in fact, many American couples today keep some or all finances separate. It’s easy to understand why. Money is highly emotional, is a significant source of stress, and is tied to our self-esteem. Even if you don’t have joint finances, in marriage, this topic is still likely to cause conflict.

Given the complex role of money in our lives and society, it’s not surprising that introducing another person into the mix creates tension in this area. 

I’ve personally experienced this tension in my own marriage. In many ways, my husband and I are highly compatible. Our marriage isn’t by any means perfect, but we don’t have a lot of natural friction points. That is, until it comes to money. Cue ominous music…

Ours is the stereotypical dynamic: I’m the spender; he’s the saver. I love to shop for anything and everything; he gets stressed making any kind of purchasing decision, no matter how small. He’ll splurge on expensive gifts for me, but isn’t willing to wear socks from anywhere other than Costco. And I sometimes enjoy the act of spending money more than what I’m actually purchasing. 

In our early marriage days, we once got into a fight about whether a certain brand of toothpicks was too expensive — they were $4. 

In general, most couples experience a dynamic somewhat similar to this, where one person is more comfortable spending and the other prefers to save. It’s unlikely that you will marry someone who has your exact same views on money. Therefore, you will probably encounter some variation of this dynamic, although you may be closer or further apart on the spectrum, depending on your personalities and upbringings. This obviously leads to conflict! 

While this tension can be frustrating, I do want to offer a word of encouragement. It’s actually incredibly healthy for both your relationship and your finances to marry someone with different financial views. It may cause some fights, but if you work on proactively discussing your finances, you’ll 1) balance each other out and 2) naturally become more aligned over time. 

If you are one of the few people to marry someone with very similar financial views (love this for you), odds are you’ll experience less relational tension in some ways but face other challenges. For instance, if two spenders find each other, they probably won’t argue as much about purchase decisions, but they may experience financial stress when they overspend their resources. And if two savers get together, their finances will probably do well, but they can suffer in other areas, such as missing out on experiences or failing to be generous.

Regardless of where you and your spouse fall, being intentional in addressing conflicts about money head-on will help both your relationship and your financial goals.

How a Budget Can Help Your Marriage

Most Americans say they have a budget — one recent survey put it around 74%. Another survey conducted by Certified Financial Planner Board of Standards, Inc. and consulting firm Heart+Mind Strategies revealed that 62% of consumers feel more in control when they have a budget. Further, a report by the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau showed that adults who have a higher propensity to plan their finances have a higher overall financial well-being score. 

I’ve always found budgets to be incredibly freeing, even as a single person. But when you’re adding another person in the mix — especially one who has different financial opinions than you — it becomes even more important. Having an agreed-upon budget will reduce friction on individual purchasing decisions and make everyone happier. 

One of my husband’s and my first big fights was about a purchasing decision while we were engaged. We were getting over COVID and spending a lot of time holed up in Spence’s room, and I proposed getting a small folding table that we could use to eat our takeout, play games, etc. I advocated that it would be an item we could get a lot of use out of in the future, and would be a great long-term investment as well as a short-term solution. 

That’s when I found out that Spence’s knee-jerk reaction to spending money is almost always no, and an epic argument ensued. While this fight ultimately ended in the purchase of the table, the process to get to that decision was long and arduous (Ironically, this folding table is now Spence’s favorite purchase ever, and he uses it all the time). 

We didn’t have a budget at the time, and I’m convinced this conflict would have been avoided had we had one. Once we had hashed out our budget (which took a few fights), our tension over finances was significantly reduced, although not eliminated. Our budget gives me the reassurance that I can spend money within my parameters, and Spence the reassurance that we won’t spend beyond our means.

We use YNAB (You Need a Budget) to plan our finances, and I really like the interface! YNAB is a zero-based budgeting system, where you assign every dollar to a specific category. It’s similar to the traditional envelope system made popular by finance expert Dave Ramsey. 

It requires a bit more effort than budgeting software like Mint (may it rest in peace), as you need to manage your money proactively rather than just tracking where your money is going. However, I’ve found it to be very freeing, as putting money in categories allows me to spend it guilt-free. Spence likes it because he can track whether we’re reaching our overall goals. 

If you don’t want to pay for software like YNAB, you can set up a similar system using a basic spreadsheet, although it won’t be integrated with your accounts.

Note: if you’re just starting out budgeting, I recommend making your goal for at least a couple of months simply tracking your expenses, rather than setting arbitrary targets for spending. Although creating a budget was helpful, one of our biggest pain points as we refined it was having unrealistic expectations for how much we spend. Having a realistic understanding of that will help you create achievable goals.

Schedule Regular Finance Meetings to Relieve Tension

Although a budget is an extremely useful tool in reducing financial stress in marriage, it unfortunately doesn’t eliminate the need to talk about money completely. You’ll still need to manage and evaluate your budget, consider large purchase decisions, and plan your overall financial goals.  

One of the best pieces of advice we got from the couple who did our premarital counseling (shout out to Dan and Linzy!) was to avoid bringing up money out of the blue. They encouraged us to instead, schedule regular meetings to talk about finances.

This prevents conversations at the dinner table from being derailed by a “Hey, why did you spend $50 on gold bunnies?” Springing a discussion about money on your spouse that’s related to a financial decision they made is not likely to end well, can be stress-inducing, and is sure to make one or both parties defensive.

Establishing agreed-upon meetings is a great way to get both you and your spouse on board for discussing your finances. You can meet as frequently as you like — we decided on once a month. Scheduling these meetings has helped us budget together in marriage without turning every expense into a fight. 

Money & Mules works best if you share most of your finances, but even if you keep things separate, having a regular check-in helps you stay on the same page about joint expenses and future goals.

Important note: although we don’t need to discuss finances more than once a month, I monitor our spending throughout the month, and Spence monitors our big-picture financial goals and investing. If you don’t have someone doing this, you may need to meet more frequently to stay on track. However, this is a good cadence for us. 

Money & Mules: Talk about Finances & Keep It Fun

Although we liked the idea of scheduling regular monthly meetings to review our finances, I confess that I initially dreaded them. I wondered, how can we make this more fun?

Enter: Money & Mules.

We figured that doing our finance meeting over cocktails would add a fun incentive and make it feel a little more date-like. We started with Moscow mules, but then pivoted to trying out different drinks. It’s become an important ritual in our relationship that we both enjoy, even if it’s not always the most fun. 

Our Money & Mules Meeting Agenda

Over the past three years, we’ve kept up our Money & Mules meetings and refined them as we’ve grown to understand each other more. Here’s the format that works for us.

1. Make Cocktails

We begin by making cocktails — if we want to get fancy, sometimes we add clear ice cubes (check out my post if you want to learn how to make your own!). Starting with something fun helps introduce a conversation that naturally isn’t so fun.

We began with Mowcow mules, but branched out to lemon drops, mai tais, margs, and more! In addition to cocktails feeling celebratory, making them together reminds us that we’re on the same team.

2. Pray

Before diving into the numbers, we pray. It’s our way of surrendering our finances to God and reminding ourselves to be grateful for what we have.

3. Review the Month’s Expenses

Next, we review what we spent. YNAB’s interface works well for us because it lets us assign money to different categories, but it’s pretty rare to have a perfect month. Typically, I’ll go over in some categories but spend less in others, which helps balance it out. Sometimes, though, we blow every category. That can feel stressful, but for me, knowing where our finances stand is less anxiety-inducing than wondering.

It helps to have one person monitoring spending throughout the month to avoid surprises. Since I’m the main spender, I handle our day-to-day tracking, and then during our Money & Mules meetings, we review where we did well and where we overspent. It took about a year to refine our budget and get a realistic picture of our spending, but once we settled into a rhythm, it got easier.

We reconcile categories by moving surplus from one to cover another. One of the most helpful tips I discovered is to have a flex category for unexpected expenses — as long as you only tap it when truly needed, it offsets unforeseen costs.

In YNAB, you can choose to have categories reset each month or roll over leftover money. We realized that not rolling over basically incentivizes me to spend it before the end of the month, so we prefer rolling it over or putting it toward meaningful goals. Most importantly, make sure you and your spouse each have your own budget category for discretionary spending — we call this “fun money.”

After reviewing the expenses, we take care of any bills or payments that need attention, though most of that happens online already.

4. Plan the Next Month

Once the past month is done, the most painful part is over. Then, we plan for the month ahead and check our calendar to see what’s coming up — work, gifts, activities. We also take a look at longer-term future expenses like travel or upcoming big purchases, so we can start planning for them early. Again, since YNAB is zero-based budgeting, we assign every dollar to a category for the new month. 

I really like this part of our meeting because it helps us be very intentional about life and ensure things don’t slip through the cracks. We also recently started planning out activities for our weekly date nights, which I love because it keeps our focus on our relationship, not just the money.

5. Discuss Generosity & Long-Term Savings Goals

Before wrapping up, we also talk about generosity and long-term savings goals. Spence monitors the big picture, but together we talk about where we are and if we’re on track to meet our goals.

This can feel discouraging — we live in the Bay Area, so affording a house sometimes seems impossible. However, we know that we’re privileged to be able to live here. We always try to be grateful for what we have and think about how we can bless others, as well as work toward long-term goals.

In my post about feeling left behind in life, I wrote about how it is so easy to get discouraged when it seems like other people are “ahead” of you, and I think money is one of the biggest culprits for making us feel this way. Check out my post if you want my thoughts on navigating these feelings!

6. Fight (usually)

To be honest, Money & Mules usually triggers at least a small disagreement, if not a full-blown fight. But these fights have gotten far less frequent and intense over time. 

Since money carries a lot of emotion, it’s only natural to have some disagreements over it. My biggest tip: assume good intent from your spouse, and remember that you’re on the same team. Over time, as you learn to trust each other, it gets so much easier.

7. Pray

At the end, we pray again, since we need all the prayers we can get.

I still don’t exactly look forward to these meetings, but I no longer dread them. They’ve truly brought us closer and helped us use our money more responsibly.

How Money & Mules Has Changed Us

Looking back on the past three years, I can see some clear areas of growth that have emerged from these monthly meetings. 

More Alignment

As I mentioned previously, we started out pretty far apart on spending vs. saving. 

As we’ve done our Money & Mules meetings, I’ve noticed that we’ve become much more aligned. Part of this is natural, just from being married, but I really believe that the way we’ve talked about money in our marriage has played a key role. 

I’ve become much better at saving than I used to be, and Spence actually enjoys shopping now (who knew?). Although we’re still different, we don’t feel the friction as much as we used to. 

Better Communication

When we first started Money & Mules, the fights could get pretty ugly. Both of us often went into our meetings with our own agenda and were prepared to defend it to the bitter end. One simple trick (another we learned from premarital counseling) is to practice active listening. 

The way this works is you allow your spouse to say everything they want to, without interrupting, and then you say “What I’m hearing you say is” and then you paraphrase back to them what you interpreted them as saying, without adding any of your own thoughts. Then, repeat for the other person.

This not only allows you both to feel heard, but also allows you to clarify what is actually being said vs. what you are interpreting incorrectly. As we’ve practiced Money & Mules, we’ve gotten better at articulating and understanding our feelings, which has drastically improved our communication.

Intentionality with Money

Dedicating regular time to review our finances together has helped us manage our money more effectively and be more intentional. 

By talking about our financial goals and spending, we’re building a life together and investing our resources in things that we both care about. It’s also helped us become more intentional about investing in our marriage, both with money and time. 

Increased Trust

Perhaps the most important result of Money & Mules has been how much we’ve learned to trust each other. 

When we were engaged, I remember talking to my therapist about my stress regarding our financial differences. She told me we both were anxious about money, but for different reasons: I was worried Spence wasn’t going to let me buy a single thing and I would lose all my shopping freedom, and Spence was worried I was going to spend all of our money and there would be nothing left.

She assured me that over time, as we worked together on our finances, we would learn that neither of those extremes was true, and we would grow to trust each other. And we really have! Although we certainly don’t have everything figured out and by no means handle our finances perfectly, we’ve learned to trust each other so much more as we talk about money in marriage.

And that’s really what Money & Mules is all about!