I Met My Younger Self for Coffee Today: A Reflection on Turning 30
I met my younger self for coffee today. She's just ten years younger, and honestly, not too different from who I am now. But I noticed a few things about her that I never realized when I was her age.
She catapults into the coffee shop already highly caffeinated. Even though it's summer, and academics are on pause, she's busy — bouncing between her internship, social commitments, and extracurricular projects. She generously allocated me a 15-minute slot in her packed schedule, because after all, why would she waste valuable time talking to herself?
It's great to see her, but I wish she could take just a few minutes to slow down and breathe. Then again, I'm still not very good at that.
She orders an iced mocha with an extra shot; I order a matcha. She gives me a look. I shrug. I already had my morning coffee, and I can only handle so much caffeine anymore.
I ask her how she's been, and she responds with the usual: stressed. She's anxious about everything — academics, relationships, the state of the world — but her career is top of mind.
She wonders if she'll get her dream job. “You will,” I assure her. Sooner than you think — but it won't be what you hoped. Your career will take you in directions that you never imagined. It won't be picture-perfect or what you envisioned, but it will be better. Because you'll discover where true fulfillment lies, and it's not in work.
“It's not?” she asks, clearly skeptical. I can tell she sees right through me. After all, she's always known that's the “right” answer, but she's never truly believed it.
“All right,” I admit. Part of me still thinks that I can find lasting meaning in my achievements, and I struggle with this every day. But I've also lived and experienced the reality: work will not make me happy. And so every day, I wrestle with this tension of trying to find joy and purpose in what I do while knowing that it does not define me. I may not live that way as often as I'd like, but I'm glad that at least now, I know the truth.
She considers this, then moves on. She tells me she wants to find love, but it's not her highest priority. She's worried she'll never meet her person, the one she just enjoys being around. And how will she know she's found the right one? What if she misses him?
You haven't even realized the attributes that you need, I tell her. But you don't need to worry. The greatest guy you never saw coming will pop up out of nowhere. He'll have everything you didn't even know you needed. You'll balance each other out. He'll be the calm in the midst of your storm.
“Oh, speaking of that,” she asks, “Will I ever stop feeling stressed about everything?” I laugh a little. “Um,” I respond, “Therapy is great?” Her eyes widen, but I promise her that everything will be okay.
Her phone buzzes with a calendar reminder. She says she needs to get going, but she has one more question. She pauses, and I can see she's nervous, but finally she asks, “Is God still good?” She waits with bated breath.
Always, I assure her. Through the midst of it all — work, love, and life — God is faithful. He never leaves you, and He wants to be with you. You don't even have to try that hard, because He'll use everything in your life to draw you closer to Himself, and you'll find Him.
You'll find Him as you search for meaning in your performance and come up empty. You'll find Him in the hundreds of rejections that threaten to crush you, but instead show you your true identity. You'll find Him in the still, small voice that calls to you at the peak of your loneliness.
And while I may not have many more things figured out than I did ten years ago, I can tell you this one thing without a doubt.
God is good, always.
